Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
