I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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