It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
