it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
