TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
