I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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