I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
