If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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