watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my being single is dangerous.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
BRING THE BAGELS
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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