I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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