I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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