Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
