well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
