i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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