im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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