I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
