i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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