god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
