We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
These tits shall not be calmed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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