When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
