My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
