insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
