She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
