the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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