I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize