I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
