I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
