I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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