You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
