Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
