i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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