I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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