Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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