I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
