I faked an abortion last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
