This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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