my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
