I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
