My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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