I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
