Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
