i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
