dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
don't judge my taste in strippers
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
