seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize