The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The Olympian is in my bed
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize