I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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