Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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