Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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