She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
time to smoke my breakfast
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
