don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
