youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
