I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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