I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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