Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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