Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
