I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
NoShamevember. You game?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
