I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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