i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
