fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
