there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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