I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize