So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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