it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
