It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
