so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
