I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
