careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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