I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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