I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
