I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
