Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
