Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
They took my balls.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
