tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize