I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
birth control should be required to get into college
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
