I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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